Who will love you? Who will fight?

I've been friends-locking everything lately...maybe one of these days I'll be motivated enough to go back and fix all of my entries, or get a friends-only banner, or both.

so my schedule for the first semester is, as follows:

government
western civ
AP bio
Tech class
Tech class (because apparently I needed two hours off...? I'm not complaining)
publications
band

works for me.
maybe being back at school won't be so bad.

holy shit, it's August already? Where the hell did my summer go? I mean, it always seems to just fly by, but I've been so fucking busy and it honestly still feels like June...
so i've pretty much just been working and going to class, you know, the usual. I have a feeling that that class and I will meet again, sometime in the very near future. I love the fact that I hate math..and it really seems to be all I do.
Anyways, things are pretty good, and I'm going to bed now...I love you all :)

So this actually started out as a comment on one of Kristin's entries, but then I decided it deserved it's own little place in the world. I think it was her saying something about how "so many masterpieces result from intense pain"...sometimes i think that maybe there's a reason that i've been so unhappy for such long periods of time in my life, that maybe i'm meant to channel it all into something great someday. but right now i just don't really see that happening. maybe i still have a long way to go, i'm still young. but for my whole life, the one thing i've been absolutely sure of is that i was put on this earth to write something worthwhile. but right now i don't have it in me to write much of anything. i haven't since...well, since he died. because it always seemed like i was writing for him, and now that he's gone there just doesn't seem to be any point. i know that he would want me to keep on doing it, but when did it get so fucking hard? i sit down and the words won't come and i don't have anything to say anyway. i keep waiting for it to change, for things to get easier again, but i've been waiting for years now. i have the notebooks, piles and piles of them, just random bullshit and how much i hurt at the time. i don't know what's going to come of this, if this is just adolesence and things have been too turbulent for me to be able to see things in perspective. i have the whole rest of my life to write. i just don't want to look back before i'm about to die and wish, more than anything, that i had more time...and still, after all those years, not have anything to show for the time i did have. 
i've been reading this biography of Jim Morrison (the Doors frontman) and he just had all of this pain and mental and emotional turmoil, and of course there were the drugs, the sex, the alchoholism. but he also wrote amazing songs and poetry...he was just so creative, he managed to channel his personal problems into art. i guess i'm not really having problems being creative, but it seems to be coming out in other mediums...collaging and the way i dress myself, as of late. maybe i have to learn how to put it all into words. 

"taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
summer dies and swells rise
the sun goes down in my eyes
see this rolling wave
darkly coming to take me
home
and I've never been so alone
and I've never been so alive"


fuck. i'm so lonely this summer, and it's making me think more than usual. in some ways i like it.

So I'm sitting in the library at tech and it definetly looks like someone sneezed all over this computer screen...it's kind of killing my appetite.
Anyway. Skinny dipping and sitting on the top of Tommy's car until like 3 in the morning pretty much made my life on Saturday night...I was crawling out of my skin. Yesterday was just bad though, I was exhausted and hot and kind of hated everything. Hopefully today wil be...better, if not actually good.

I think this song was written for me.

I think I'm going to Friends lock most of my entries from here on out...just an FYI.

so...having four teeth ripped out of your head at once is just not a good time. the past four days have mostly consisted of me taking various pills and passing out on the couch. and tommorow i get to jump back into normal life by starting my super-fun (um no) tech class. 
me not being completely thrilled with this summer is freaking me out. i was so worn down and thoroughly sick of everything to do with school by the time it got out, summer seemed like the perfect solution but so far it's been kind of...blah. I don't know. Maybe this is just my frame of mind after being housebound for nearly four days.
oh, and i had a rather long talk with Walikainen last Tuesday night. It was just...good. It seems like I can never just let anything go, so being able to talk to him about it was pretty much the solution. it seems like we cleared a lot of things up to, about...everything. it's been almost a year, so i guess it's really never to late...
i should probably take some more pills and go to bed so i'm all chipper and fresh for two hours of math first thing in the morning tommorow. ughh.

um, yeah. so i've had plenty of opportunities to update since i got back from d.c. on thursday night, but i've just been too lazy/busy. The judges at nationals didn't like our documentary too much, they seemed to think that Woodstock wasn't a very legitimate topic...and I was really nervous and not really prepared for their questions, Jen was able to just b.s. her way through them but she was nervous too. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the next round of judging or whatever...which was fine with us, because we got to wander around the city. It was a good time. maybe i'll post pictures...eventually.
Friday was Charlotte's birthday lunch/the Bridgefest parade...it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be, but I wasn't at all sad that it would be my last year. It still hasn't really hit me that i'm actually going to be a senior. It's just so wierd. 
Yesterday I chilled with Tommy and Kristin, always a good time. (We watched Ghost World, which kind of depresses me every time I watch it...but I still like it.)  
Obviously I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time with Zac, but he was camping with his family today (and Charlotte's at band camp) and I probably could have found something to do...but that didn't happen. So I went grocery shopping for my mom, went to the library in search of my paycheck that apparently doesn't exist yet, and spent the rest of my time watching crap TV and listening to the Doors. It's defintley summer.
my work schedule is pretty irregular, and that sucks. maybe i need money. Getting your wisdom teeth pulled also sucks, or so i've heard. I'm really, really dreading Thursday. *shudder* I'll pretty much be on drugs for the next few days, so feel free to call me or something and get a kick of how out of it I am. 
i think it's unhealthy how preoccupied with the past i am, and how i feel the need to always be comparing what happened on this day last year or two years ago or whatever. i guess may and june are always really pivotal for me, and it's strange that they weren't as much this year. this year has just been different...in general.
anyways. i love you all.

Highlights of Junior Year

Kicking ass in Quiz Bowl...sort of :P

"Metamorphoses"...'nough said

My Zachary.

Mr. Smith...most fantastic teacher ever.

Tommy, Kristin, and the Houghton Clan in general.

Being geniunely happy...most of the time.

Ani Difranco, Rilo Kiley, PJ Harvey, Gordo Gringo, The Doors, Rise Against and all the other fantastic shit I discovered this year. ("discovered with a lot of help from tommy" would probably be more accurate...)

Joining KAJB and being a killer awesome jazz drummer (HAH yeah right...maybe someday)

Bossing the percussion section around

Jen and I making our sweet ass documentary

and last but not least...growing as a person, in general.

Lowlights...

A tragic lack of illicit substances...

Realizing that I will never, ever be good at skiing

Spanish...like it's actually hard...what is that

Occaisional general rage at the people in our school

my puppy dying.

My mom being anal. Having to drive her car.

A little drama isn't bad every once in a while...but there was just none.

...i think that's about it
Wow, it's really over. Part of me is like "thank god, i'm done with another year in that shithole" and another part of me is thinking that it's all happening so fast...it seems like this year was gone in the blink of an eye, and next year won't be any different. It's so bizarre to think about. Maybe it still hasn't really sunk in.
But enough of that. Bring on the summer.

is it even possible for me to live through a spring anymore without missing the previous one to the point of misery? i've been reading my lj entries from a year ago for about the past hour...i want it back. maybe just because it's familiar...i don't know. i was so excited, about walikainen and CTD and everything in general. i'm jealous of that girl, she had so much ahead of her. maybe i'll be looking back next year and thinking the same thing, but it seems like i have to look back on things to be able to really understand them.
i definetly didn't feel this way the spring of my freshman year...but then, it all goes back to that, doesn't it?
christ. i guess i just have the usual fears that summer is going to blow. I just want it to be memorable, is that too much to ask?
definetly going to bed now.

so, i've pretty much been sitting in my room all morning, listening to Led Zeppelin and really old Green Day and ignoring all the stuff I have to do. but in about twenty minutes i have to leave and start my first day at the portage lake library. yay for being employed :) 
i have no idea how i'm even going to focus on exams right now...my Spanish 2 project won't be hard but i am less than thrilled about having to review for two math exams, especially when the algebra one covers everything they've been doing all year and i haven't even looked at the first semester stuff since last year...
i have no attention spaannnn

i'm glad that this has pretty much been the shittiest week in a long time. the weather was so beautiful and i just could not focus on homework for the life of me, it ended up taking me about three hours to do it everything because I kept getting ADD and wandering off. consequently i spent about no time with zac...it was just an especially lonely week, but it's spring and i should be happy.
wednesday was the worst...i don't know. i guess it's just kind of a kick in the ass when someone you thought would never let you down does, and you realize that things might never go back to the way they used to be.
oh yeah, and i'm still jobless...because apparently I'm just not up to ShopKo's standards, even though I thought my interview went well. So the search begins again. Ugghhh. I really, really hate not having a job.
So, graduation this weekend...it's so bizarre that it will be us next year, and all the people i've come to know over the years will be gone from the school forever. [deep thoughts about life] 
...i had more...but i'm going to bed.

sometimes i'm so afraid of being boring and ordinary that it's almost paralyzing. i just don't like myself very much, in general, i get so convinced that i'm not loud enough or funny enough or interesting enough. maybe if i went to a school where i actually fit in and had a whole slough of people that were more like me i wouldn't feel so displaced all the time...i don't know. none of this will really matter after highschool ends, there will be no more cliques and petty drama. i try to remind myself of this every day but i do still have a year left of this bullshit. i honestly can't even handle school right now, i get so impatient just sitting in a desk for seven hours in a row and i can't stop myself from glancing at the clock every five minutes. i just want it to be summer so badly, the thought of it is really the only thing that's cheering me up right now. knowing my luck it will probably suck, and i don't even want to get my hopes up but i can't help it.
and i miss angela. and there's a giant fucking hole in my life and i can't fix it, i don't even know where to start. and i know that people grow apart and change and i think i've done a pretty fucking excellent job of letting it go thusfar, but maybe i can't do it anymore. i'm not self-sufficient at all, and that's just one more thing i hate about myself. 

we can't reverse the world tonight 
while all the lost dance in the light
i know my heart is dry
i only live 'cause i don't know how to die
and on the avenue you wait, i love your hands, i love your face...
and on the avenue you wait, 
with your black coat and old suitcase
i love your dream, please keep it safe.
gordo gringo, "old suitcase"

dude, my internet just crashed and lost my entry. fuck that. the highlights pretty much were:

a) i drank like three cups of coffee on an empty stomach and now i'm tweaking out

b) the seniors are leaving...and that blows

c) no one wants to hire me...a prime example would be the ming...they set up an interview for me and then cancelled it b/c they hired someone else...so it looks like dishwashing at the ramada or flipping nasty burgers at mickey d's...and i can't even eat that shit so i don't know how i could be expected to cook it

d) i ordered new shoes and i am very excited for them

e) i am going to see "the da vinci code" in two hours

and eating dinner/fetching zac right now. love you all *mwah*

wow, i haven't updated in a while. prom was...prom, kind of more of the same but at least i got to be with zac (not that that's anything unusual...) there are pictures on myspace if anyone wants to go look.
i am so ready for school to just end. i really have no patience anymore.
jen and i have been going around trying to find sponsors for our trip to D.C...not a whole lot of luck so far, but hopefully that will change.
ugh. i miss being really close to everyone...i still talk to ange but she's always with kevin and it's hard to actually talk for hours like we used to, and laura's downstate with paul and things with josh aren't how they used to be (well obviously, but still) and even though my circle of friends is considerably wider this year i still miss that...
and as for my fantastic plans for this evening...probably more homework...

god, this season kicks my ass. it always has. it's my absolute favorite time of year, everything is so green and gorgeous...but it also makes me miss every past spring, and the past two changed so many things for me that it's hard not to look back and miss that. this whole year has been so tame in general that i catch myself missing things every once in a while, even though my whole frame of mind has been about a hundred times better. prom and the houghton drama play are coming up this weekend, pretty much the staples of my spring...so we'll see how i feel on sunday. (hungover i hope)
there's more news, but...i need to go to sleep. i love you all.

Song that gets your blood pumping:
1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Y Control
2. Led Zeppelin - Achilles' Last Stand
3. Ani DiFranco - In or Out

Song that really gets you on a very personal, emotional level:
1. Alkaline Trio - blue in the face
2. Tori Amos - Northern Lad
3. Switchfoot - On Fire

Song that could possibly be your autobiography:
1. Vanessa Carlton - White Houses
2. Placebo - Slackerbitch (jk)
3. Pavement - Shady Lane

Song you turn to when you're at your lowest:
1. Death Cab - Transatlanticism
2. Death Cab - Tiny Vessels
3. Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated

Song that you have history with:
1. Guns n' Roses - November Rain
2. Jimmy Eat World - 23
3. Taking Back Sunday - A Decade Under the Influence

Album that calms you down and puts you to sleep (Not because it's Boring!):
1. Gordo Gringo (thanks tommy :P)
2. Led Zeppelin One
3. i don't like my music to put me to sleep

Song you Listen/Sing along to when you're upset or have had a Bad day:
1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
2. Anything by Ani
3. Taking Back Sunday - ...Slowdance on the Inside

Basics

Most optimistic Love Song:
1. Sixpence None the Richer - Love
2. Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
3. Plain White Tee's- Hey There Delilah

Creepiest Love Song:
1. Smashing Pumpkins - Stumbleine
2. Tori Amos - Playboy Mommy
3. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Cold Light

Best all time Love song You've Ever Heard (sad or happy):
1. Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
2. Death Cab - Transatlanticism
3. Death Cab - Brothers on a Hotel Bed

Saddest Song
1. Alkaline Trio - blue in the face
2. Counting Crows - Colorblind
3. Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Craziest song that you can't help but Love:
1. Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With my Heart
2. Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner
3. Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone

Prettiest Song:
1. Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism (that whole album is pretty much my cure-all, if you can't tell)
2. Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) (i'm sorry i'm a cliche, but i love that song)
3. Bell X1 - Eve, the apple of my eye

Bands

Pick your Top Five fav Bands
a. Ani DiFranco
b. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
c. Bruce Springsteen
d. Death Cab For Cutie
e. Led Zeppelin

Best Song by Each
how about best FEW songs...
a. Gray, Circle of Light, The Million You Never Made
b. Y Control, Way Out, Pin
c. Born to Run, Bobby Jean, Dancing in the Dark
d. Title and Registration, Brothers on a Hotel Bed, i'll give you one guess...starts with a T, ends with an -anticism
e. Kashmir, When the Levee Breaks, Achilles' Last Stand


2. Least enjoyable Song by Each
a. there was some irritating one that i really didn't like...can't remember what it was called
b. some stuff off the new album
c. Glory Days kind of grates on my nerves
d. Death of an Interior Decorator...not a big fan of Expo '86
e. they're Zeppelin. come on.

3. Best Album
a. Not a Pretty Girl
b. Fever to Tell
c. Born to Run
d. Transatlantasism
e. probably Zoso

4. Least enjoyable Album
a. ...
b. ...
c. not sure...
d. ?
e. only one

"and i don't dream since i quit sleeping, and i haven't slept since i met you..."
last spring. i don't think i'll ever forget the morning of prom last year. sitting in the backseat of Laura's car surrounded by fog and drizzle, the tears that always seemed to be lurking just beneath the surface welling up as soon as i heard the first chord of that song. i don't know if i've ever wanted something that badly before or since. It's probably not normal to be nostalgic about one of the worst times of your life, but who ever said i was normal?
not that this spring hasn't been without its drawbacks. my baby puppy died almost a week ago...it was so hard to watch him struggle to walk and breathe and know he was going to be dead when i woke up the next morning. so i sat up with him until i just couldn't watch anymore, and mom and i brought him to the vet to be cremated. the symbolism got me as much as anything else...we got him when i was four and he was four months old, and now i'm seventeen and there he was, dying in my arms. the other night i was going to go for a walk down by the pond to listen to the frogs and watch the sunset. I used to go with my dad and Kelly but it was just me, I was the only one left and it just struck me as so incredibly sad.

the u.s. history trip was a lot more fun than i thought it would be. everyone hung out and got along and there was alot of bonding. And Jen and I nearly had heart attacks when, after a whole day of watching documentaries that were probably about 10 times better than ours, good old "Woodstock" won first place. Which means we qualified to go to D.C. in June. (and Mr. Smith was proud of us :):) After the initial rush wore off, my reaction was pretty much "...Now we have to do more work on this mother??"
but i am excited.

and...that's about it. zac is good and the Andersons moved back, so all is right in the world.

ugh. today was just...bizarre. i felt kind of fuzzy and disconnected all day, and pessimistic. maybe it was just all the Radiohead.

200. My middle name is: Elizabeth
199: I was born on: September 2
198. I am a: ...person?
196. My eye color is: blue
195. My shoe size is: 8 or 9
194. My ring size is: no idea
192. My height is: 5'8"
191. I am allergic to: morphine
190. I live in: Hancock...erlack
189. The last book I read: i'm reading 1984
188. My bed is: a canopy with a big fluffy comforter
187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: they're douchebags unless you've got them whipped...and i mean that in the best possible way
186. I am glad I'm my sex b/c: because you can't be a chick drummer if you're a guy
179. My favorite Holiday is: Halloween
178. The perfect kiss is: uh...not gross?
177. The last three cd's I bought were: i haven't bought a cd in a long time...
176. Last song that made me cry was: blue in the face, alkaline trio
172. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): my drumset...Zac :P
170. What did you do last night: chilled at charlotte's, made tuna dinner and watched "the matrix reloaded"
167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): burn or tan, depends

:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::
143. Santa?: No
142. love at first sight?: No
141. luck?: Yes
140. Fate?: Yes
139. God?: no...maybe like some sweet all powerful spirit or something
138. Aliens?: Yes
137. Heaven?: no
136. Hell?: no
135. Ghosts?: no...well, maybe
134. Horoscopes? no
135. Soul mates?: no

:::::Which is Better?:::::
129. Hugs or Kisses?: both!
128. Drunk or High: i'm a good kid now
127. phone or online: Depends
126. Red heads or Black hair? hmm...either
125. Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes
120. Night or Day: either
119. Oranges or Apples: oranges
118. Curly or Straight hair: straight

:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
116. Abortion?: Pro
115. Backstabbers?: ...are bad?
114. Parents?: Uh...
110. School?: bah

:::::Last time?::::::::
103. Kissed someone: last night
102. Hugged someone: zac
101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: i saw angela on friday, i hadn't seen her in like...a week
99. Grew: not for a while

::::MISC::::
90. Who's the ditziest person I know: Emily :P
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Zac
87. One thing I'm pissed about right now is: not seeing any of my friends today, but i'm not really pissed
83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: "V for Vendetta"
82. The thing I don't understand is: just one? um...
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received: yeah, "because i said so" or something of the sort.
79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is: when they smell good
76. This summer I am: getting my wisdom teeth out...YESSSSS!!!!111one
75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: probably my bed...and zac...oh god
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most is: ?

::::::what are you doing?:::::::
73. Tomorrow: I don't know yet
72. Today: Today is almost over. I'll probably read 1984 and eat more.
71. Next Summer (2007): Oh my god. Being old. Fuck.
70. Next Week: Going downstate for michigan history day finals :)

:::MISC:::::
67. People call me: kate, flynn, kate flynn...
64. The person I have been friends with the longest: charlotte!
62. The person who knows the most about me is?: HMMM...probably angela. but maybe charlotte.
61. The people that can read me the best are: i don't know.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: no
58. I have the following siblings: none
56. My zodiac sign is: virgo
53. The one person who can't hide things from me: um, i don't know.
51. Right now I am talking to: the computer?
48. I have/will get a job at/with: hopefully shopko
47. I have how many pets in my house: kelly <333 and lavender.
46. I hope: that this summer doesn't suck
45. The worst sound in the world: yeah, awkward silence...or nails scraping on a blackboard...ew
44. The person that makes me cry the most is: HAH. I don't cry a whole lot anymore. But if that question was in past tense, it would definetly be Marlor. Jesus christ.
39. Are you in love: Yes
35. Florida or Hawaii: florida...i've never been to hawaii
33. My favorite piece of clothing is: my silver jeans
32. My favorite sport to play: skiing
31. Last time I cried: i don't know, a few days ago
28. The school I go to is: HCH
27. Last person I got pissed at: my mom, probably
26. My worst drinking experience was: oh god...me and angela and that nasty gin
22. The all-time best movies are: Fight Club, Eternal Sunshine, LotRs
21. The all-time best thing in the world is (not a person): coffee
20. So, about them Canadians, eh?: i knew a hot one once
19. The most annoying thing ever is: feeling wierd, or not yourself, for an extended period of time
18. The most annoying person you know is: no one
17. I lose all respect for people who: suck at life because they don't try
11. The worst pain I was ever in was: uhh...crying until you puke is always fun...but those cramps a few weeks back sucked ass
10. My favorite phrase: sweet...i don't know if it's really my favorite...i just use it alot
9. My room: is big
8. My favorite celebrity is: Johnny Depp
5. My weakness is: coffee. and new bands
4. What turns me on: when someone smells good
3. Who broke your heart?: my father, but it was hardly his fault...and then marlor made it worse
2. I filled out 200 questions because: i was bored
1. What do you regret most: nothing, the past makes you who you are

i need to go read 1984. cheers