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15 November 2006 @ 07:00 pm
03 November 2006 @ 06:11 pm
I've been friends-locking everything lately...maybe one of these days I'll be motivated enough to go back and fix all of my entries, or get a friends-only banner, or both.
29 August 2006 @ 05:52 pm
so my schedule for the first semester is, as follows:

western civ
AP bio
Tech class
Tech class (because apparently I needed two hours off...? I'm not complaining)

works for me.
maybe being back at school won't be so bad.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: tori amos - cloud on my tongue
01 August 2006 @ 11:32 pm

holy shit, it's August already? Where the hell did my summer go? I mean, it always seems to just fly by, but I've been so fucking busy and it honestly still feels like June...
so i've pretty much just been working and going to class, you know, the usual. I have a feeling that that class and I will meet again, sometime in the very near future. I love the fact that I hate math..and it really seems to be all I do.
Anyways, things are pretty good, and I'm going to bed now...I love you all :)

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: copeland - coffee
22 July 2006 @ 02:29 pm
So this actually started out as a comment on one of Kristin's entries, but then I decided it deserved it's own little place in the world. I think it was her saying something about how "so many masterpieces result from intense pain"...sometimes i think that maybe there's a reason that i've been so unhappy for such long periods of time in my life, that maybe i'm meant to channel it all into something great someday. but right now i just don't really see that happening. maybe i still have a long way to go, i'm still young. but for my whole life, the one thing i've been absolutely sure of is that i was put on this earth to write something worthwhile. but right now i don't have it in me to write much of anything. i haven't since...well, since he died. because it always seemed like i was writing for him, and now that he's gone there just doesn't seem to be any point. i know that he would want me to keep on doing it, but when did it get so fucking hard? i sit down and the words won't come and i don't have anything to say anyway. i keep waiting for it to change, for things to get easier again, but i've been waiting for years now. i have the notebooks, piles and piles of them, just random bullshit and how much i hurt at the time. i don't know what's going to come of this, if this is just adolesence and things have been too turbulent for me to be able to see things in perspective. i have the whole rest of my life to write. i just don't want to look back before i'm about to die and wish, more than anything, that i had more time...and still, after all those years, not have anything to show for the time i did have. 
i've been reading this biography of Jim Morrison (the Doors frontman) and he just had all of this pain and mental and emotional turmoil, and of course there were the drugs, the sex, the alchoholism. but he also wrote amazing songs and poetry...he was just so creative, he managed to channel his personal problems into art. i guess i'm not really having problems being creative, but it seems to be coming out in other mediums...collaging and the way i dress myself, as of late. maybe i have to learn how to put it all into words. 

"taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
summer dies and swells rise
the sun goes down in my eyes
see this rolling wave
darkly coming to take me
and I've never been so alone
and I've never been so alive"

fuck. i'm so lonely this summer, and it's making me think more than usual. in some ways i like it.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: third eye blind - god of wine
17 July 2006 @ 11:11 am

So I'm sitting in the library at tech and it definetly looks like someone sneezed all over this computer screen...it's kind of killing my appetite.
Anyway. Skinny dipping and sitting on the top of Tommy's car until like 3 in the morning pretty much made my life on Saturday night...I was crawling out of my skin. Yesterday was just bad though, I was exhausted and hot and kind of hated everything. Hopefully today wil be...better, if not actually good.

I think this song was written for me.

Current Mood: hungryhungry
03 July 2006 @ 01:20 pm
I think I'm going to Friends lock most of my entries from here on out...just an FYI.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: ani difranco - dilate
24 June 2006 @ 10:15 pm

so...having four teeth ripped out of your head at once is just not a good time. the past four days have mostly consisted of me taking various pills and passing out on the couch. and tommorow i get to jump back into normal life by starting my super-fun (um no) tech class. 
me not being completely thrilled with this summer is freaking me out. i was so worn down and thoroughly sick of everything to do with school by the time it got out, summer seemed like the perfect solution but so far it's been kind of...blah. I don't know. Maybe this is just my frame of mind after being housebound for nearly four days.
oh, and i had a rather long talk with Walikainen last Tuesday night. It was just...good. It seems like I can never just let anything go, so being able to talk to him about it was pretty much the solution. it seems like we cleared a lot of things up to, about...everything. it's been almost a year, so i guess it's really never to late...
i should probably take some more pills and go to bed so i'm all chipper and fresh for two hours of math first thing in the morning tommorow. ughh.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: mae - suspension
18 June 2006 @ 11:02 pm

um, yeah. so i've had plenty of opportunities to update since i got back from d.c. on thursday night, but i've just been too lazy/busy. The judges at nationals didn't like our documentary too much, they seemed to think that Woodstock wasn't a very legitimate topic...and I was really nervous and not really prepared for their questions, Jen was able to just b.s. her way through them but she was nervous too. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the next round of judging or whatever...which was fine with us, because we got to wander around the city. It was a good time. maybe i'll post pictures...eventually.
Friday was Charlotte's birthday lunch/the Bridgefest parade...it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be, but I wasn't at all sad that it would be my last year. It still hasn't really hit me that i'm actually going to be a senior. It's just so wierd. 
Yesterday I chilled with Tommy and Kristin, always a good time. (We watched Ghost World, which kind of depresses me every time I watch it...but I still like it.)  
Obviously I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time with Zac, but he was camping with his family today (and Charlotte's at band camp) and I probably could have found something to do...but that didn't happen. So I went grocery shopping for my mom, went to the library in search of my paycheck that apparently doesn't exist yet, and spent the rest of my time watching crap TV and listening to the Doors. It's defintley summer.
my work schedule is pretty irregular, and that sucks. maybe i need money. Getting your wisdom teeth pulled also sucks, or so i've heard. I'm really, really dreading Thursday. *shudder* I'll pretty much be on drugs for the next few days, so feel free to call me or something and get a kick of how out of it I am. 
i think it's unhealthy how preoccupied with the past i am, and how i feel the need to always be comparing what happened on this day last year or two years ago or whatever. i guess may and june are always really pivotal for me, and it's strange that they weren't as much this year. this year has just been different...in general.
anyways. i love you all.

Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: the doors - riders on the storm
09 June 2006 @ 11:56 am

Highlights of Junior Year

Kicking ass in Quiz Bowl...sort of :P

"Metamorphoses"...'nough said

My Zachary.

Mr. Smith...most fantastic teacher ever.

Tommy, Kristin, and the Houghton Clan in general.

Being geniunely happy...most of the time.

Ani Difranco, Rilo Kiley, PJ Harvey, Gordo Gringo, The Doors, Rise Against and all the other fantastic shit I discovered this year. ("discovered with a lot of help from tommy" would probably be more accurate...)

Joining KAJB and being a killer awesome jazz drummer (HAH yeah right...maybe someday)

Bossing the percussion section around

Jen and I making our sweet ass documentary

and last but not least...growing as a person, in general.


A tragic lack of illicit substances...

Realizing that I will never, ever be good at skiing

Spanish...like it's actually hard...what is that

Occaisional general rage at the people in our school

my puppy dying.

My mom being anal. Having to drive her car.

A little drama isn't bad every once in a while...but there was just none.

...i think that's about it
Wow, it's really over. Part of me is like "thank god, i'm done with another year in that shithole" and another part of me is thinking that it's all happening so fast...it seems like this year was gone in the blink of an eye, and next year won't be any different. It's so bizarre to think about. Maybe it still hasn't really sunk in.
But enough of that. Bring on the summer.

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: pj harvey - dress